Jillian IlanaApril 29, 20211 Comment

I Am Not An Item To Be Checked Off A List

Jillian IlanaApril 29, 20211 Comment

Confession Time: I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps.

I know people who have found their boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends and wives on dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. I’ve gone on a few successful dates myself with guys I’ve connected with on these platforms. I’m bolder on them, taking chances to talk to guys that I may never take in person. Why? Because I figure I have nothing to lose and something to gain.

So, why do I hate them? Conversations like this.

This was not the first, and unfortunately will probably not be the last, time a guy will tell me that I am on his bucket list. Guys have openly admitted this to me many times before. Some have been bolder and asked me straight out what sexual favors I can give while standing up. My response has been the same nearly every time: ending the conversation right then and there.

By starting the conversation saying I’m on his bucket list and elaborating that he has always wanted to get drunk with a small person, he is clearly indicating to me that he is not interested in a relationship or even a friendship. Furthermore, I don’t see how wanting to get drunk with a small person can be taken in a “good way”. I’m sorry...no. He is only swiping right or matching with me because he wants to be able to brag to his friends and say he achieved x, y, or z with a dwarf. Note, I did not say little person because that would imply he at least sees me as a human being with thoughts and feelings.

Could you imagine that if you, as a reader, were told that someone wanted to use you to check off their bucket list because of your race, ethnicity, religion? Yet, being a disabled person somehow equates with being an object on display for the amusement of others.

Throughout history, the image of dwarfism has been used for entertainment purposes. Think Tyrion, Mini-Me, the seven dwarves, etc. Dr. Erin Pritchard, a lecturer in disability studies at Liverpool University, wrote that there is a cultural fascination with little people that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years. The dwarf body has been put on display in royal courts, freak shows, circuses, etc going all the way back to ancient times. As Dr. Pritchard explains, “Humour has been derived from dwarfism throughout history, and that historical link remains unbroken to this day, with dwarfs still evident in contemporary humour in a way that other minority groups are not.”

This guy and many others I’ve encountered in the past on these platforms, though the words they use may be different, are seeing me as an object, like a sex toy to be played with, not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a little person…and there is a difference. In these instances, my looks don’t matter, my personality doesn’t matter. By telling me that I am on your bucket list you are making it very clear that you are only interested in my height.

I use identity-first language, saying I am a little person rather than a person with dwarfism. I know my short stature is the first thing people see when they look at me. But, I am still a person.

I do wish that before unmatching and blocking this guy that I called him out. I should have made it clear that what he said to me was wrong on many levels and why (and then unmatch and block him). But in the moment, the instant I received and read his first message, I was done. I didn’t want to engage in conversation with him any further. He was no longer worth my time or energy.

What I didn’t do? I did not delete my Hinge account. I did not and will not edit my photos so you can’t tell that I’m a little person. I’m not going to hide who I am and would rather know up front whether or not a guy sees me as a person or as a bucket-list item. I did not and will not limit myself to only dating little people. I know through experience that not all average-sized men have my body on a bucket list. I know that somewhere out there is Mr. Right. I’m moving to New York City in two weeks and with summer coming and the country opening up I’m excited to put myself out there, go on dates, and see what happens. But I will never compromise my beliefs or my body.