The Power Of Clothing — Jillian Ilana

During my first appointment with Dr. Scott he told my parents that I would probably never have a flat stomach. After all, my organs have to fit somewhere (I don’t fully understand that logic as I thought I had an average-sized torso but I’m not a doctor). I never struggled with this reality until I started my first fitness journey during my junior year of high school. The more progress I made on the scale (at the time the number on the scale meant something to me), the more frustrated I became. I wasn’t seeing the results in the mirror. I was losing weight- Dr. Mackenzie was happy with my numbers. I was getting stronger- I found myself capable of doing more and more in the gym. My clothes were getting smaller. Still, despite all the progress, all I saw was a stomach that would always stick out.

It took time, but I found my body confidence. I felt comfortable in my own skin, even while wearing a bikini. I was okay with having a stomach that stuck out because it meant that I was alive, all my organs were where they were supposed to be. Yet, despite my growing confidence, I still lacked the self assurance to work out in a sports bra...until now.

Despite being quarantined I have been able to maintain my fitness regimen thanks, in large part, to the *Peloton app and my bike. Exercising has always kept me sane. It is an outlet for me to maintain my physical and mental health. As the months went by I realized I was rewearing and rewashing my workout clothes too often and that it was time to invest in some new gear. I had always wanted to try *Fabletics, especially because my go-to brand for workout clothes stopped making cropped leggings, but always felt that their clothes wouldn’t fit me. Eventually, I decided to take a chance and have never been happier to be proven wrong.

Online shopping is always a risky endeavor because there is always the possibility that you are buying something that will not fit. As a little person, this happens more often than not. I would rather face my disappointment in the store than at home, but, due to the pandemic, that is not an option. When my first Fabletics order landed on my doorstep I was equal parts excited and on edge. I ran it upstairs and ripped open the package. Inside was one outfit and two pairs of cropped leggings (on me they are full length). I tried the outfit on first, mentally preparing myself to be dissatisfied. There is no mirror in my room so I had to step out into the hallway and my jaw dropped.

THE CLOTHES FIT!

Not wanting to get ahead of myself I tried on the leggings and again, to my surprise and delight, they fit. Yes, they were a little long but with a little scrunching they were the perfect length. I immediately ran downstairs to show my mom and she was just as shocked and excited as I was. I quickly put two more orders in and with each new package came the same excitement and edginess followed by surprise and satisfaction.

With my new clothes came a newfound courage to show my stomach, show my body. I channeled this energy into my workouts, proving myself wrong again by running. Up until a couple weeks ago I believed that running and me were not meant to be. But one day, while out walking, I decided to give it a chance and did one of the Peloton walk+run outdoor programs, achieving a fitness goal I thought was never possible. I think the new clothes gave me newfound abilities? No.

What my new clothes gave me was a newfound confidence I never, ever thought I would have.

Every Sunday I listen to a Betches media podcast called Diet Starts Tomorrow. Hosted by co-founders Sami Fishbein and Aleen Kuperman, they finish each episode by sharing their non-scale win of the week. For me, my non-scale win is being able to wake up and workout with my stomach that will never be flat showing. But, perhaps the bigger win was being able to shop online and buy clothes that express my personal style and fit without having to be altered. For a little person, that is a big deal.